i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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