Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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