i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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