I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Randomize
