The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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