Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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