I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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