Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
