My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize