Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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