I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
