the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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