anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
