I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
