Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
