God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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