I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
