TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
