Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize