This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
