just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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