did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
