Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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