he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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