I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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