I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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