Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize