i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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