Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
