i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Randomize
