Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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