I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
