You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
