as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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