He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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