I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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