God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Just invented taco cereal.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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