I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
