After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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