who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
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