Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
