i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
