you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
My balls are so social today.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
