Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
