he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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