I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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