fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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