He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
