Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize