Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize