Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
