oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
