i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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