My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
