can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
