i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
