Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize