We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
