I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
