I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
It's just like the Real World with babies
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
