Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
